Baby, you need to calm down and listen to me. I know it sucks that you and I can never be together but the bottom line is this: you’re an eyeball melting New York party girl and I’m a neurotic, juvenile, Canadian with a blog. You and I were never meant to be and I need you to accept that.
Photo jacked from lastnightsparty.com
This is the third installment of our four part Politics As Usual series. If you missed the first two, scroll down to catch up. Basically, we’ve been evaluating different polical groups and doctrines then assigning them a ranking out of 10. Today we’re gonna take a look at our black turtleneck sporting friends, the nihilists. Round 3: FIGHT!
Nihilists: You see, at first we thought that to be a nihilist you had to believe nothing but when we went to our first meeting we discovered that this not the case. Nihilists don’t believe nothing, they believe in nothing. It’s an important distinction. When we learned this we promptly concluded that perhaps they were on to something. Perhaps these nihilists had opened up a truly fascinating philosophical can of worms wherein all sociological structures were mere fallacy and true happiness could only be achieved through embracing the void. There’s that, which is cool and all. If you’re gonna start a group you gotta have some ideology. But there’s also that other thing. You know what we’re talking about. You’re gonna make us say it aren’t you? All right, here it is. Most Goth chicks have really low self-esteem so you can pretty much talk them into doing whatever.
Perks: We’re serious dude, you name it they’ll probably do it.
Downside: Well maybe guess there are some things they won’t do. Pervert.
Overall Rating: We don’t believe in Overall Ratings.
We happened to be checking out The Virgins MySpace page and noticed an announcement saying their debut album will be coming out June 3rd. Say whaaaah??? That’s, like, less than a month away. Frankly, given how awesome their EP and live shows are, we’re suprised nobody’s talking about this. We haven’t even seen a single big up from The Fader, and they big up EVERYBODY. Well, don’t worry Virgins, Hot Flux is stoked. You can also holler at their website to hear two new tracks and lead single ”Rich Girls” which, for our money, is still the best song of 2007 to get your strut on to.
Photo jacked from Catherine McNelly
Being at a party where there’s a celebrity DJ is kinda the equivalent to getting a blowjob from a Mormon. Sure there’s certain novelty to whole experience but I’ll be damned if she’s gonna know when to stick a finger up your ass.
As promised, we’re back with part 2 of our Politics as Usual week where we assess 4 different political doctrines then rate them out of ten. Today we’re taking a look at those ultra-religious types you keep hearing so much about. Take ‘em to church.
Religious Zealots: Justified or not, the church has gotten a really bad rep in the press recently. If you believe what’s been in the news it seems like organized religion’s sole objectives are to lie to your face, rob you blind and maybe throw in the occasional molestation (sounds a lot like my second wife actually BA-ZING!).
Perks: Several. First, the constant feeling of moral superiority can be a real ego boost. Second, the girls tended to be the really hot, suppressed in public/deviant in private, girl next door types. We also found that if we slipped up from time to time God was usually pretty good about forgiving us. He cool like that.
Downside: Our main problem with these religious types is that they listen to a shitload of Carrie Underwood which we’re not really down with. Oh yeah, and Kirk Cameron turned out to be a real prick.
Overall Rating: 4.2
Honestly, how do girls like these two ever get laid? I can’t imagine anyone other than James Bond having the balls to approach one of these and he’s both fictional and frequently out of the country.
Photo jacked from lastnightsparty.com
With Federal Elections seemingly on the horizon both in the motherland and south of the border, interests around Flux Mansion have turned to the political in recent weeks. To help our readers navigate these heady times, we thought we’d take this week to weigh in on some of the factions that colour the North American political landscape. After some extensive research, each day this week we’re gonna objectively evaluate a different political group, then rate it out of 10. First up on the list, those right wing bastards we all love to hate. Let’s do this.
Conservatives: When we refer to conservatives we’re not talking about Stephen Harper et al. We’re talking real deal Arkansas, you can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hand conservatives. We didn’t think we were going to like these guys but it turns out they actually throw a pretty kick ass party. One night with these guys we got really lit up on Jack Daniels and blow then crammed into Ted Turner’s Cadillac and drove around town looking for hookers. When we couldn’t find any we ended up just hanging out at Karl Rove’s place watching old episodes of The OC. When that got boring we called up Mischa Barton and offered her $50,000 to re-enact the scene where she shoots Trey except this time she would have to do it naked and instead of shooting Trey she’d be shooting a homeless person. We got the impression she would have done it for a lot less, but what the hell, it wasn’t our money.
Perks: Poor people are kinda a bummer anyway so, you know, fuck ‘em I guess.
Downside: Tucker Carlson’s already slept with all the really hot conservative chicks and we just can’t compete with that. We spoke with a couple girls who had been bedded by Carlson and apparently he’s quite the dynamo. Rumour has it he prefers it lights off, bow tie on.
Overall Rating: 7.8
Top 5 Superficial (yet totally valid) Excuses We’ve Used to Break Up With Someone
5. Not Liking Annie Hall – Listen, were not saying you have to like all Woody Allen’s work but if we get to the part where they go to L.A. and you still haven’t cracked a smile then not only are you not dating material but you’re also probably an anti-Semite. We’re just sayin’…
4. Too Normal – How boring are you guys? All you well adjusted people with your fulfilling jobs, happily married parents, and positive outlooks on life totally give us the willies. And frankly, we’re tired of you people cluttering up the dating scene. Don’t you guys have a new Jack Johnson album to eagerly anticipate or something?
3. Owning Pras’ Ghetto Superstar – If you’ve just got the song then that’s cool. That track was a jam back in the day. However, if you own the whole album then we can’t be friends. Were sorry, we know it’s not necessarily fair but we’ve got reputations to keep over here. Same goes if U-God is your favorite emcee in Wu-Tang.
2. Sweatpants on the 2nd Date – It doesn’t matter if you were just coming over to watch a movie. Sacrificing sexiness for comfort so early in the game is a total deal breaker. Honestly though, would it have killed you to put some jeans on?!
1.Finding Our Blog Posts Pretentious and Overly Sarcastic – We prefer to think of ourselves as ‘well read with a caustic sense of humor’. Pedantic bitch.
HOT! FLUX! PLAYLIST! RETURNS! Yeah, we know. We kinda slept on the weekly playlist but, you know, shit got crazy busy and… well, with the economy where it is… and you know, we still haven’t totally gotten over 9-11… actually, we were totally gonna call and tell you but our stupid cell phone had no reception. That phone totally sucks, it’s like a million years old, dunno why we dont just get a new one… Anyhoo, the playlist is back and its a monster. There’s even a song called ‘Monster’ in the palylist! No foolin’, we always say the playlists bang but this one is wall to wall madness. Holler at the link if you dont believe us. For reals though, get in there.
Hey, we’re all for having a good time but, dude, try to save some fun for the rest of us. Fuck…
Photo jacked from lastnightsparty.com